How to set better boundaries (without feeling like a jerk)
One topic comes up in one form or another with my clients over and over again: boundaries. Or the lack of thereof.
Setting healthy boundaries is a challenge for a lot of people and includes things like
saying no to others
managing your energy better
standing up for yourself
Sounds familiar? Then let´s explore this topic a bit and see how you can start setting healthy boundaries for yourself.
Why is setting boundaries important?
Having healthy boundaries in place is important for several reasons:
They protect your energy
We all have a limited amount of energy at our disposal. If you say yes to everything, you run into the risk of depleting, burning out, or simply not having enough energy for yourself at the end of the day.
Helps you to stay focused and in your lane
When you have healthy boundaries in place, it will be easier for you to stay focused on the things that truly matter to you and not get sidetracked by all the distractions that might cross your way.
Guards you against comparison and energy vampires
Saying no to things that are not good for you will help you to reduce comparisonitis (comparing yourself all the time to what other´s do and you could do) and energy vampires (who feed on your drive and passion)
Strengthens your trust & respect
Following through with what matters to you and consequently saying no to what doesn’t will lead to more self-respect and help you to strengthen your self-trust muscle.
But why is setting boundaries so hard?
Most people struggle with setting healthy boundaries. Although we all know how important it is to stand up for our needs, it can be challenging to draw the line when necessary. Why is that?
People pleasing
Most people have a natural tendency of people-pleasing. We want others to like us and we don´t want to hurt anyone on purpose. Saying no often comes with the risk of upsetting others - or at least it can feel that way.
Unclarity about own needs
This one is a big one! If you don´t know what you want, it will be hard to set boundaries. Being aware of your own needs is the prerequisite so you can say no to the things you don´t! want in your life.
Lack of confidence
Standing up for yourself can require strength and confidence. As we all do have a different level of boldness, communicating the own needs can be more challenging for some people than it is for others.
Socialization
Yes, we are all emancipated women, but centuries of socialization have left their mark. This means that particularly for women, standing up for their needs and saying no can require more conscious effort than we wish it would.
Lack of technique
… and then it can be that you just don´t know how to say no. What are healthy boundaries? How can you communicate what you want without alienating others? And what, in case you do?!
How to set boundaries in 5 easy (well, very manageable) steps
If you want to learn how to set better boundaries or feel like that is something you need to start from scratch, you can use these five steps to become more confident in saying no.
1 - Get very clear on what it IS that you need and want
The basis for all the following steps is that you get clear on what it is that you (not) want and (not) need. This can be general things (eg not working after 19h, having 30 minutes for yourself every day, living in a clutter-free home) or things that you need on this given day (eg a quiet night in, finishing an art project, calling your best friend). Use one of my favorite questions to get clear on that. “What is it that I need (right now)?”
2 - Get aware when your boundaries are getting crossed
Once you know what you want, you will start noticing when you say yes, although you don´t feel like it and when people are crossing your boundaries. You might observe this very consciously or simply have a gut feeling that something is not right. If that is the case, then pause for a second and ask yourself “Are my boundaries being crossed right now?”
3 - Prepare yourself to say no (and yes to yourself!)
Standing up for yourself might feel challenging at the beginning. A good way to support you through this is to have a mantra or guiding thought in place that you can use until setting your boundaries feels easier and more natural. A mantra that can help is “It is ok to say no!” or “I choose discomfort over regret”.
4 - Practice (you can do this!)
Now the hardest part: practice. Saying no does not come easy for a lot of people so you might have to practice until things feel easier for you. Start small - saying no to a second serving at a family dinner can be enough to start with. Gradually build your skill and comfort level, one “no” at a time. Acknowledge the small wins along the way and celebrate yourself for saying yes to yourself!
5 - Accept that it will feel weird
Saying no and standing up for yourself can feel weird, potentially even scary. You now know that there are a lot of reasons why we often struggle with saying no to others. So it is ok that things can feel weird in the beginning. It will get better with time and the more you practice the easier it will be for you to handle the emotions that will arise with more ease.
Examples for healthy boundaries
What do healthy boundaries look like? Well, they are highly individual. What is fine for one person might be already crossing boundaries for another. Therefore it is so important that you get very clear on what YOUR boundaries are and what feels right for you. Below you find some examples of what healthy boundaries can look like:
I don´t work after 19h.
“Let´s discuss this topic later at dinner”
I will not date people who are in a relationship / married
“I can´t work on this right now. If you want me to, I have to reprioritize this project.”
“I can´t talk right now. I just got home from work and need some rest.”
I make time for myself every day
No mobile phone in the bedroom
I care for my body and prioritize sleep over TV
“Can we meet next week? I need some time to recharge this weekend.”
“I will send you a link to a website I found helpful then you can look that up for yourself.”
Could you please keep more distance and make sure to wear your mask when talking to me?”
“No thank you, I don´t want dessert.”
I only take advice from people who are where I want to be
Will it feel easy?
Setting boundaries will probably not feel easy, particularly when it is a new skill you have to learn. But there are a couple of things that you to remember that will help you to say no with more confidence - and a good feeling in your heart too!
“You can´t pour from an empty cup”
I know, it is cheesy, but it is just so true. If you have people running over you and your needs all the time, you won´t have the energy left to be a good friend, partner, daughter, mother, or co-worker. The more consciously you invest your energy, the more consciously can you spend it on the people and activities that truly matter to you.
“You can be friendly”
Who says that communicating your boundaries has to be harsh? You can say no in a friendly, respectful manner. Explain why you don´t want to do things or why you choose to protect your energy or time. This also helps others to understand better what you need and why you are doing what you are doing.
“No is a complete sentence”
And although you can choose to let others know why you set your boundaries, you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone if you don´t want to. No is a complete sentence. Period.
“You will inspire others”
When you stand up for yourself you encourage others to do the same. Asking people to respect your boundaries and communicating your needs will inspire others in your life to stand up for themselves too! #leadingbyexample
This is it, my friend.
Now you have all the info and tools to set better boundaries.
Let me know how this is going!
If you need any further support, you know where to find me.
Lots of love,
Laura