Why is it so hard to commit?
Is it because we are constantly overwhelmed with possibilities?
Is it because of the new communication technologies that make it so easy to stay vague?
What has FOMO to do with all of this?
And how can we make it easier for us to make decisions?
I took me more than four weeks to set a date for my vacation. I ordered three bikinis because I could not decide on one. And many of the appointments in my calendar were written in pencil - in case things change.
I observe this behavior all around me. My network likes to keep things easy, my colleagues do not like to make pledges and neither do my neighbour´s Tinder matches.
It seems that committing is something that most of us struggle with.
But why is it so hard to commit?
What makes it so difficult for us to say YES instead of Maybe?
What drives us to step back instead of going all-in?
Are we all commitment-phobes?
In times of Facebook updated, Instagram posts, and online dating it is hard indeed to feel certain about things.
We are constantly bombarded with stuff we could buy, activities we could do, events we could attend, and people we could meet. There could be a cooler party, a prettier dress, a nicer guy out there that we could miss if we would make a commitment right now.
This leads to Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) and very often results in that we don't want to commit to anything at all anymore.
All those options are overwhelming and whatever we do, it very often leaves us with a sense of uncertainty whether this was the right decision or not.
Also, it`s so easy nowadays to not fully commit to things. We have Whatsapp to inform about the change of plans short notice, we have the “maybe” button for Facebook event invitations and return policies for things we buy. It just feels normal to not tie things down.
I am not saying that this is all bad. Having all those choices provides freedom and flexibility, we can draw from almost unlimited resources and are a generation that lives in abundance. So why should we commit to ONE option in the first place?
But the real question is not on what we are missing out in case we commit, but what we drop because we don't make a decision.
Not committing is not a situational response, it’s a character trait.
I used to be a huge commitment-phobe myself. I’d love to keep things loose, be spontaneous, and decide last minute.
And I am still struggling a lot to commit.
But I decided to change it a while ago.
Because although I cherish my freedom and flexibility, avoiding commitments comes with a price.
There is a key sentence that I believe in:
The way you do one thing is the way you do everything!
If we don't commit to a meeting invitation or need more time to think about a decision, that does not make us a bad person.
But the thing is: with commitment, it's like with every other behavior. If we don't rehearse we get out of practice. If we make not committing a habit then this goes not only for housewarming parties and online dating but also for our lives, our goals, ourselves.
If we can't decide on smaller things how could we possibly prepare to commit to the big decisions in our lives? How will we turn our dreams into reality when we already struggle with trivial resolutions? How can we become the best versions of ourselves if we constantly focusing on what COULD BE instead of leveraging what IS?
See, I am still an advocate for keeping things easy and flexible, but I think introducing more commitment into our lives is actually not a reduction of option but is opening up a new level of what is possible.
If that resonates with you, then keep on reading.
So what can YOU do to make peace with commitments?
STICK TO APPOINTMENTS
Make it a habit to answer to invitations with YES or NO and avoid Maybes This also goes for Facebook events, my friend.
COMMIT TO YOURSELF
What are your goals? What are your dreams? What do you want to achieve in a year, a month, today? Write them down and commit to them. Make a plan of how to get there and then make them happen.
MAKE COMMITTMENT PART OF YOUR PERSONALITY
Be known as the one who sticks to her commitments. Be the one that your community can trust and rely on. Be an example for others.
ENCOURAGE COMMITTMENT
Encourage the people around you to make decisions as well. Don`t accept maybes from friends or family and explain why you are trying to invite more commitment to your life. Don’t be hard on them though, ask for this change from a loving place.
USE RULES
There are situations where a Maybe is unavoidable. Maybe you need more information to commit, maybe your decision depends on external factors, etc. That’s life, that’s ok. What you can do though is to define guidelines that lead you through the process. This could be for example: Yes, I will come to your party. In case my parents come to visit me I won’t make it through. I will know their decision by Wednesday and will let you know by then.”
EXPLORE THE SOURCE
Ask yourself: what am I really afraid of? Am I not entering in this relationship because I have fear of getting hurt again? Am I trying to bail out of this invitation because I don't want to go in the first place and rather have an evening for myself? Am I not wanting to move house because I’d like to see more of the world before I settle down? Once you know what is holding you back you can always have a closer look and work with that.
PRACTICE!
As with everything, it's like a muscle you need to train!Start with easy commitments first and build on that. Practice in baby steps and celebrate your success.
So here's the deal: Write one thing down that you will commit to today.
Then go for it.
And see what happens.
Lots of love,
Laura