Episode 4: Boundaries and saying no
A few words: I am not sure yet what the best format is to make our (German) podcast accessible to everyone. This rough summary is the first attempt. It might change with time or when I find another way of sharing episodes with you.
As boundaries are such a big topic for a lot of people out there, Eike and I decided to record a podcast episode on saying no. In this episode, we share how we learned to protect our energy, what shift helps us to say no with more ease, and one powerful technique for better boundary setting.
How we set boundaries
Eike
I made a lot of progress in the last few years in terms of setting boundaries. It all started with getting clear on what boundaries I need and then practicing these boundaries. I am doing quite well now but of course, it is still a challenge at times, particularly when others are involved.
Laura
I too was really bad with setting boundaries and had to learn a lot in that regard. Now my challenge is that this almost changed to the contrary, my boundaries are sometimes really drastic. I think initially, this was a reaction to protect my energy but now for me, it's all about finding my balance when saying no.
What does “setting boundaries” actually look like?
Eike
What does “setting boundaries” actually mean? It's such an individual thing that everyone needs to define by themselves.
Laura
Absolutely. I also think there is such a thing as internal boundaries, like committing to your goals, and external boundaries - the ones you set for others.
Eike
Setting boundaries is honoring my time, knowing when I am focused, understanding my resources and knowing when I need something and when I can give something back.
Why saying no is not selfish
Laura
A lot of people think that setting boundaries is a selfish act, but in fact, it is the contrary. If you set clear boundaries you don't only honor your energy but also the person you interact with because saying yes, but actually not wanting it, just means that you will feel anger, resentment, frustration later on - and your opponent will feel that. Setting healthy boundaries means protecting yourself and respect the others in your life too.
Eike
I agree and it's interesting that so many of us struggle with saying no. Setting boundaries is something positive too! I don't value myself more than others, but I honor myself and my needs so that I can then be present with my clients, friends, family. I can only do that when I take care of myself first.
Laura
“You can't pour from an empty cup”, exactly! I think the important part here is HOW to set boundaries and doing it in a respectful way. What really helps me with that is to communicate openly. Letting my network know that I need some extra rest or also communicating transparently with my clients in case a deadline or appointment is unrealistic. This makes it easier for others too to understand and respect my boundaries.
Eike
I also think it is very important to stick to your commitments. Be it sports, nutrition, health. If I break the commitments I made to myself all the time it will leave me stressed and frustrated too.
Laura
When we work with our clients it is very much about helping them to understand what their true needs are so they can set boundaries based on that. And then it's all about practicing. If you honor your needs, setting healthy boundaries is an act of self-love.
The connection between boundaries and self-worth
Eike
Yes, and it is so closely connected to self-worth. If we honor our feelings we strengthen our self-worth! And as you said, this requires practice. If we prioritized other people's needs or our job, education for a long time it will require time to change these patterns.
Laura
A very simple, yet powerful technique that helps me understand my own needs better is to place my hand on my heart, close my eyes and ask myself: “what is it that I need right now?” I always receive a clear answer. This exercise takes me 10 seconds but helps me to distinguish what my true needs are and what just might be “shoulds” or fear trying to influence my decision
What fear and expectations have to do with boundaries
Eike
What do you detect more often? Fear or “I should”
Laura
For me, it is a lot of “I should”, typically in the form of “I should work more” or “I should say yes to this business opportunity”. For me, this particularly often happens in the business context. I want to grow my business but also need to make sure I do things that truly excite me, instead of just saying yes to every growth opportunity. To say no in that context requires a lot of self-awareness and practice from my side.
Eike
So often it's expectations and how we think things should be that influence us. And this can come from external sources, but from within as well!
Laura
Absolutely, and then setting boundaries means deciding what voices to listen to. Do I listen to the stories in my head, beliefs I carry around, or do I decide to set a boundary here as well?! Our inner dialog does also influences our outer world. Setting these inner boundaries is often even more important than saying no to others.
Are all boundaries promises we need to give ourselves?
Eike
Which leads us to the question if not all boundaries are inner boundaries? Does crossing boundaries ultimately mean ignoring our own boundaries?!
Laura
Yes, what manifests in our outer world is mirroring what is going on inside of us.
Eike
Yes, if I respect myself, this will also show in my outer world. If I take good care of myself, I am very likely also taking good care of others. It's all about knowing and respecting your own needs.
Laura
We often are fascinated by “rebels” who are very straightforward in terms of their needs and don't worry so much about what others might think about that. They are very clear about what their boundaries are, regardless of what society thinks. In a way, setting boundaries is an act of self-love.
Eike
I agree. We so often see setting boundaries as something negative, when in fact, it is much more about standing by your word. Seeing boundaries as an act of self-love makes it easier to say no.
Our takeaways from this episod
Laura
Setting healthy boundaries is closely linked to having clarity around what we truly need and want.
Eike
Setting boundaries requires practice - but with every time it will get easier.
If you don't know where to start then do this: close your eyes, place your hand on your heart and ask yourself: what is it that I need most right now?
Who is chatting here?
Laura is a Life Coach and NLP Master Practitioner and helps purpose-seekers, free-spirits & change-makers to find clarity and start trusting themselves so they can break free from the beaten career path and start living a life of possibilities. This is my online home - say hi!
Eike is a coach and creative based in Hamburg, Germany. She is helping her clients to easily overcome the obstacles on the way to their desired life. Hop over and visit her here